Peace Keeper or Maker?

Right around the time I had Jacob, just over 5 years ago,  I learned to apologize.

I learned to apologize even for things that weren’t entirely my fault. I learned to apologize knowing full well that the other person probably wouldn’t return the favor for his or her part in the mess. I learned to apologize even though it was generally embarrassing, and it wounded my pride, and in some cases, I wasn’t even sure of what I was apologizing for– I just knew the person had an issue with me and apologizing was probably a good way to start resolving the problem.

I learned to apologize and my life changed, because I quickly discovered that in a world where we’re all taught to defend our words and actions and to never, ever admit that we may have been mistaken, an apology goes a surprisingly long way when it comes to righting a wrong and mending a relationship.

Learning to apologize was the best lesson I’ve learned in the last decade. I’m now able to do it freely and with very little hesitation. I mean, let’s be honest: I make a lot of mistakes. I may as well own up to them. I’m not perfect and I know that.

But while many of my relationships were definitely salvaged or enhanced by my willingness to apologize, I’ve realized over time that others were perhaps made worse by it. Some people in my life have begun to count on the fact that I will inevitably be the one to say I’m sorry– whether it’s my fault or not. I know you know what I’m talking about. This dilemma is widespread, and probably as old as humankind. Those who are more prone to conflict and turmoil tend to push those who will do anything to keep the peace just as far as they’ll let themselves be pushed.

In my life, obviously, this has led to problems. I want to do the right thing. I want all of my relationships to be peaceful ones.

But I don’t want to be a doormat.


I recently came across a Christian devotion that talked about mending relationships. One line really stuck out to me.

Stop trying to be a peacekeeper and focus instead on being a peacemaker.

Let that one sink in.

There is a HUGE difference between peacekeepers and peacemakers.

When I heard these words, just like that, I had a solution to some of my most troubling relationship problems. I had been attempting to keep the peace (often fueling it with my apologies), and I had ended up feeling anything but peaceful. Instead, I felt used, hurt, betrayed and sadly very unloved.

When I begin to focus instead on what it would take to truly make peace in these relationships, everything changes; frankly the truth is that in some cases, there are problematic behaviors on both sides that need to be addressed and modified– ignoring them or covering them over with apologies simply doesn’t work and apologizing to those that don’t want to accept or work past issues is never going to make peace. I’m learning to accept that you can’t make people love you, you can’t make people  accept you for who you are.  Sadly, I think those people miss out on a lot more than just a relationship with me; they miss out on their grandsons, son in law, nephews, brothers and/or friends life.   In life you can try ever way to try to keep the peace, or attempt to make peace....sometimes there will always be those who are unwilling to forgive and move on.  And for me one that has always strive to be a peace-keeper that’s the hardest lesson in life to learn.

While sitting down and addressing those problems means some definite boat rocking, if done lovingly, and with the intention of making peace… Maybe that boat rocking isn’t such a bad thing.  

Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

Not “Blessed are those who are the first to apologize….”

Not “Blessed are the doormats…”

Blessed are the peacemakers.